The other night we received updated photos of our three kids from our social worker. This is normally a joyous occasion, to see our kids! But this night, I was hit with a sense of sadness and depression, which quickly turned to anger. What was this about, I wondered? Why I am I mad? Why do I feel almost jealous? I texted a friend who has adopted three children and is familiar with this minefield called waiting. Here is her response, which I wanted to share with family and friends. I’m grateful that she didn’t tell me everything was fine, or she had no idea what I was feeling. Instead, this is what she shared: (all names have been changed)
Yes, I do remember feeling angry about having to wait. Watching the days go by and wondering why they had to endure more time alone.. knowing that everyday meant less time that I would have to teach them, feed them, love them, heal them…on and on.
I still feel it today. We spent the evening at my sister in laws house. She has a one year old. Her name is Olivia and she was sleeping. It was loud in the house and we didn’t hear her crying. When we finally heard her she was screaming bloody murder and I was all too happy to jump up and rescue her. I rushed into her room and held her close. She was breathing really hard and was soaked with sweat. I sang to her and rocked her but then had this weird jealous anger sweep over me. Who did this for my son when he was hot, scared, hungry, hurting????? Who??? Probably nobody! Who held my daughter and REALLY loved her when her mom peeled her off of her and drove away. Maybe some stranger in a nanny uniform! It feels soooooo wrong! I want to cry INJUSTICE!!!!!! I wanted to hold my own child NOT my niece who has several Aunties, Grandmas and a loving mama ALREADY!
I passed Olivia off to my mother in law.
Those are my weak moments. They are also moments that remind me of how blessed I am. I realize how much I love these children even though they are not bone of my bone or flesh of my flesh. These moments cause me to ponder the amazing details that God organized in order to place them in my home. They make me LOVE Psalm 139!!!!!!! Go read it… and then marvel and rest in your children’s creator and caregiver.
So… Yup I had those feelings and still do. Tonight was down right ugly. But rejoice friend!!!! God has called you to something huge! His timing is perfect. He is preparing their hearts as well as yours.(EX being ticked that they are growing without you is a refection of bonding. Hooray!)
I will pray for you and your kiddos tonight.